Sometimes I see my life passing through my fingers all the time. A girl who is wasting away her time by being idle, the one that doesn’t pursue her dreams. But what dreams does she have?
I see a lot of successful people who somehow found their way to follow their heart and passion. What is mine? How do I find it? How do I look for it? My head is always pumping with these questions that make me anxious. I feel guilty for not knowing the purpose of my life. I feel sad, I feel lost. Did it ever happen to you?
When I was growing up, my school and my parents were quite demanding. If I failed to my parents I was punished by harsh words and yelling. Maybe it wasn’t so dramatic I just remember that I couldn’t say no, I had to be submissive. It didn’t concern exactly my education because I was always a good student. It was more domestic, like for example cleaning or doing errands. I was always a girl who loved to learn, I begged my parents to take piano classes, even if I was 7 years old I already understood that it is better to learn an instrument in an early age. But they always postponed it, telling me that I was too young, and that piano was expensive. I also begged for ballet classes and drawing lessons, everything was in vain, they didn’t see light in art, they thought it was useless.
Even though I consider my childhood as a happy time, I wasn’t never encouraged doing something I desired for me. Of course, my parents wanted me to study, and maybe go someday to university. Those were the only encouraging things because they could have paid me bread someday. It is not that my parents were bad or wished me bad, they just saw it in an old way of harsh times.
From there I learnt a false truth, I can’t follow my career in something that I like, if I like it , it must be wrong. Even if I loved arts, crafts and all types of self expression I never considered as a professional path. I accepted system, I accepted everything I believed that until I was 20. It looks like very late, but I guess it is never too late and I am happy I had that epiphany.
I realised that it is my life, good and bad are subjective and I was almost erased. My mind my heart all empty. I am not 20 anymore but I am not 30 either.
I am just struggling to find what I ‘ve lost, to cure my wounds and to sing my songs.
The point of all this is that, when do you realize that you were fooled?
You just know it all the time in your heart, you suspect it, it grows bigger and bigger, everything starts to make more sense. It just takes time… There is a path to get back, I just haven’t figured it out yet.